Letter I've Never Sent

I haven't posted anything in a long, longggg time, but i'm back briefly because there was something i wanted to share, but i didn't know where else to put it.

In the meantime, here is an open letter to my crush, written shortly after after a confession fiasco. After i have cried 5 hours in a row, after he stopped replying, after a lot of things.

One of those things where, i didn't really know how to put things into words, didn't know what to do about him (double text? give him time?) didn't know how to feel (cry? cry? cry? get mad? cry?).

I hope that one day, my feelings will be able to reach someone.

~~~

i think what people dont understand is that i don’t see the world for what it is - mountains, and geography, oceans and landscapes and buildings and monuments. of course, all those exist, they’re all beautiful places that i hope one day to visit, to see, for the beauty of the world. but that’s not the world is to me. Maybe it’s a bit selfish to say in the least, but when i look at the world i dont see the ocean, or the sand dunes, or the endless plains and glaciers and sky and clouds. i see the people that are important to me. my friends, and my family, all my loved ones. they are the world to me. When i invest in someone i invest a lot in them - a little bit of my soul every time. i want them to stay for the long run, not just a short time. how long is forever? well sometimes, it’s just a second. but the goal is always to make forever as long as it should be. that’s why i never leave people before they leave me. that’s why i don’t let go, until they do. you never know how much someone needs you - so if you know that you’ll be alright, you make damn sure they will be, too. That’s not to say there haven’t been people i have left behind. But i don’t do it for no reason - i’ve always done my best until the end, because everyone is so, so important to me. That’s why sometimes i cry so easily, and hurt so much. It’s not easy being vulnerable, and it’s not easy to like people so fiercely and faithfully. Sometimes i wonder if it’s best to build up walls, to stop all this, but then i realize that’s not the answer. I have a lot of love to give, to everyone. I may not be there is person always. But i wish that the people who are important to me understand these very short few things - that i will always be there for them. forever and ever and always. even when we are fighting, even when i am fast asleep, even when i am thousands of miles again, just say the word and i’ll be there. the people in my life now may not be the people who will be in my life forever. but even so, ten years from now, these are the people that i hope to still be my side. the girls now are the girls i’d love for one day to become my bridesmaids. the ones i go on spontaneous trips to Spain with. the ones that i laugh and cry with, the ones that’ll go on adventures with. Ten years fro now, or maybe even fifteen, or twenty, or more, i want my children to grow up knowing theirs, and knowing them. Because everyone is precious to me, and i don’t ever want to leave. Even if our forever is only a second long. That goes the same for you, too. Once you’ve met someone, you never really forget them. Whether they made you smile or laugh or cry, they’ve left an impact on your life. I hope from the bottom of my heart that i leave positive imprints on everyone’s. Today when my friend finally texted me, i was ecstatic beyond words. This girl, this one very important girl, had been gone for so long. I don’t know about others, but i’ve always periodically texted her, to keep her in the loop. Because she’s important to me, because i want to, because if i were in her place, that’s what i hope people would do for me. And her words struck me deep. She thanked me - and it’s not the thank you that matters. It’s that she told me that i made a difference. Thanked me for being around and always texting, and that she loved me so very much. I love her so very much too. All of you. All my friends and family. No matter how recent, or how far. Time doesn’t determine friendship - character does. The people that come into your life and says, “i’ll be here for you,” and then proves it. I hope that for all of you i am that person. that’s why it hurts. It’s like walking through a battlefield with no clothes on. You’re vulnerable, you’re scared, and there’s no way for you to walk away unscarred. You know it. But wounds heal, though scars remain. I wish you knew how much you meant to me. How much everything affects me. Already you’re my friend, one of my closer ones too. I don’t wish for you to share the burden of my tears, but i wish you knew that just like for my girls, there is nothing i wouldn’t do for you. When i cry it’s from my heart, because i’m vulnerable, but i’m also fierce - fierce in my feelings. I never feel anything halfheartedly. When i like people, it’s not soft or sunshine at all. It’s fierce - like the sun on a scorching day. I’d fight mythical monsters and climb mountains for each and all of you, if it comes down to that. I will hang on till the last threads of time, so that we don’t need to be apart. As my friend you are already privy to all this. That’s why i cry, though - because it’s not easy. Because it’s more than friendship, to me. Because for you i make my 11:11 wishes, over and over again. i blow on dandelion fluffs and find delight in eyelashes fallen. There has never been grey areas for me, my world has always been the deepest of blacks and whites. Epicurean at heart. When i like you i like you fiercely, and i do. Whatever people say about time and origin - i don’t care. I know there’s lots to consider, of course! when is there not? But i don’t think it’s all that important to think too deep on all that. sometimes, it’s okay to just be. And maybe i should be apologetic for liking you - i am apologetic, if it’s an inconvenience, or if it stresses you, or pressures you. There is nothing more that i hate than to burden those important to me. But i’m not sorry i like you. And maybe i’m selfish, but i’m not sorry that i’m chasing what i want either. Trust me when i say, it was an incredibly difficult decision. Choosing between what i think would make you happy… and what would make me, happy. Because normally your happiness means more to me than mine. Is there anything better than seeing someone important to you smile? But i made the decision to be selfish in the end, because it was something that was worth fighting for. I wanted to make memories with you, you see. You say you take relationships seriously, and maybe we’re on different levels. I don’t understand seriousness, but maybe that’s because i’m still young. I can’t promise to be proper and serious. But what i can promise is this - i will always be there for you. I won’t let go - ever - until you choose to leave. I will like you fiercely and with all my heart. All i wanted was to have fun, you know? I wanted to climb mountains with you and watch the sun set and eat ice cream. I wanted to count the stars and fall asleep in each other’s arms and kiss in the rain and go swimming in the harbour. I want to go on long road trips to faraway places. I want to exceed the ordinary - because to me, you aren’t ordinary. You’re extraordinary. When my life changed last September, ten months ago, i did not think that i could get better than what i had achieved by the time me and my girls finished first year. I thought to myself, this is the life. what more could i want? but then you waltzed right in and changed everything, again. And i’m sorry that you became someone that mattered so much to me in such a short amount of time. But that’s what it is and that’s what happened. All i wanted was to be loved (liked) the way i like you. Freely. Unconditionally. I wanted you to return some of that intensity that i have, that Scorpio fueled intensity. I didn’t want to be second choice, or a difficult decision. I didn’t want to continue and see what happens. I want to live in the now. Because right now you mean so, so much to me. Because my feelings are unchangeable, just as stubborn as i am. Because i truly think, if you gave me this one thing, we could create miracles. I don’t promise to be the perfect person because i’m not. I’m not particularly sweet tempered nor easygoing. I’m not particularly good at cooking, or communicating, but what i can promise is that i’ll always try my best, and what i do promise is that i will always give you all of me. It’s too soon to say anything related to be the big L-word. But i’m not lying when i say i’ve fallen. Fast and hard. that’s why i cry. Because it hurts, from my legs to my stomach to my head to my heart. It resonates in my very soul, because you matter. Because if there was one thing that i was truly being selfish about, it would be this. Because it would mean more to me than anything to be yours. That’s why i chase it so stubbornly, and argue with you about it. Even though i’ve never, ever argued about anything with anyone, ever. I’m a peaceful person of sorts, but i can also be a hurricane when it comes down to it. But see… You don’t know any of this do you. What i feel, and what i do. How many tears i’ve shed over you. You don’t know any of this, do you. It’s okay though. I don’t intend to tell you either. Maybe one day. But that day won’t be anytime soon. Right now i just want to work things out, above all else. Though i stubbornly chase labels, (or stars, to me) the one thing i still dont want, is for you to give in because i insisted. If anything, i want this to be something that you want as well, from the bottom of your heart. And i’m sorry that i’m emotional and clingy and hopeful and messed up and all sorts of a trainwreck. I’m not perfect. And i’m sorry about that. Sometimes i feel like you deserve so much better than me, so i’m sorry about being selfish. But i truly hope that perhaps you’ll come to realize that just like my girls, you are the world to me. I cry over you and stress over you and you’re on my mind like a haunting. I have a one track mind and it’s all consumed by just one person - you. Because you matter. You talk seriousness - but you’ve hurt me before, although unintentionally. Despite that, i’m still always there. There is no time that you will ever call me out for whatever reason and i will refuse. (unless i am with my girls, then that’s another story all together). I think in all actuality… I am so much more serious than you are. I’ve cried myself to sleep for you, and just the opposite, i’ve stayed up way after the sun has risen, because you’d haunt my dreams if i did. I talk about you to my friends, to perfect strangers, because you’re on my mind. I love the way you smile and the way you laugh, and everything about you. But have you ever, for me? I don’t think so. you dont know what sort of affect you have on me - the stress when i dont get responses, the hurt when you said what you did. I’m still so sorry that i pursued this so stubbornly, but i can’t stop now. I hope you’ll forgive me eventually for being so hardheaded. I wish we could just go back to the way we usually speak - with emojis and pet names and endless but needless conversations. When all this blows over, there is nothing more that i want than for things to go back to the way they were, before the perfect storm happened. I don’t want my stubbornness getting in the way, and being the way things end, i don’t. I’d cry, trust me, i’d cry so much harder than you would think possible. At the end of the day, you know, i always wish on a star for you. And i don’t know why i do it. I’ve known you for what, all of three months? two-and-a-half? but somehow it all felt timeless. My best friends now are girls i’ve met ten months ago. You’re already a third of the way there. At nights… I really so pray sometimes, think to myself, if there is some higher power, please, oh please, let this work out in my favour. Don’t let me cry anymore. But then i wonder to myself, too. When you talk serious… do you really know what you’re talking about? Do you miss me when i’m not there, the way i miss you? Do you smile at your phone when you get a text from me, the way i do from you? When i don’t answer for a long time, do you wonder where i’ve gone, if i’m mad, if i’m ignoring you, the way i do for you? At night when you’re sleeping alone, do you ever wish i was there, the way i do for you? Do you ever see things, on the internet, on the streets, in a store, and get reminded of me, the way i get reminded of you? After we started talking real talk, serious talk, because of my horribly stubborn ass… Did you ever tear up in public, feeling hollow and sore and hurt because of me… The way i did for you? I may not know seriousness but i think that whatever you’re worried about for me does not exist. If you’re worried that i’m not serious, then erase that thought. You are one and the same, you and my girls. I will do absolutely, positively anything for you guys. And i will never, ever, no matter what, leave your side. I will cry for you or with you or about you and i will constantly long to have you beside me. I already do. 

that’s why, i think the problem doesn’t lie with me. Anything you are worried about, anything at all, i dont think it’s to do with me. Not one bit. you may not know any of this, and you may never know, unless i’ve chosen to tell you at some point, but i will never, ever hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. you are my everything. You, and my girls, and my family, and all the people important to me. You are all my everything, and there is not a second in my day where i am not thinking of you all, loving you all, wishing i was with you all. 

You especially. 

A Short Update ❤

Que sera, sera - what's meant to be, will be.





So it's been a superlong time since i last posted (or maybe not - i don't know! time flies when you're having fun) But as we all know, things change.

For me, too, things have changed, in some of the most beautiful ways possible.

If my heart were a 1,000-piece puzzle, 850 of those pieces have just been superglued together. For the first time in a long time, i can be myself, i can feel whole.

And that's not to say that everything is perfect - it's not.

I've come a long way, but there are still a long ways to go.

Looking back, that scared little 17-year-old girl entering her new university almost alone, timid and shy beyond words, nearly on the verge of tears; that 17-year-old feels like a memory that's already been glossed over with time. Sure, some days are difficult. Some days i feel lonely and lost. Some days just don't go right at all. But i've grown, i've adapted (somewhat, lol~) and if i could go back in time to give that terrified little girl a hug and a few words of wisdom.

I still remember a time when i was horrified by the very aspect of university.

Going into such a huge place? how would i survive? how would i make friends? how would i ever, ever manage being just a number in this enourmous place??

But then i remembered a very important person in my life telling me, "university is the place where many people bloom." - i do not remember her exact wording, but i remember the feeling that came with it - a safe haven, a reassurance.

I went into university with those words in mind.

At first, it was hard.

The first days of school, i had no idea what i was doing.

I felt lost in this enourmous world.

The week passed by smoothly. A few rickety friendships blossomed. We smiled. We shared stories. We laughed.

Frosh came.

I went into that with the words in mind too. I was scared, yes, but i was ready for a challenge.

Turning out to not have made a single friend that has stayed with me (from Frosh) was heart rending. It was difficult to swallow, but we had fun. We played games, we danced, we had snack runs downtown well past 2AM. For the first time in my life, i lived.

Times come and go.

Slowly, i learn the ropes. I meet new people. I make connections.

We laugh, we talk, and sometimes we party till we drop.

Friendships continue to blossom, and new ones pop up at every turn in life. (because a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet, amirite? :D)

Time passes again, a bit too fast for my liking. But time flies when you're enjoying yourself, and sometimes i'm left with mere memories of what has happened, pictures, snapchats, instagram. How do all the days come and go so quickly?

Just like the environment has, and just like that important person said, i changed.

In the process of finding my way, i started to discover myself, who i really am, what i really enjoy.

(touch of cynicism: as much as some people believe, my life does extend beyond alcohol, boys, and instagram)

There are things i regret (like not rushing? dammit!) and things i cherish (how can you not just absolutely adore the baes and bros that have become a part of my life?)

There are times when i've been lonelier than lonely, tears prickling the corners of my eyes as i look on forlornly, and there have been times, many times, when i've laughed so hard my stomach hurted, so hard i cannot see, laughed till tears ran down my face.

Things aren't yet perfect.

Like that important person says, it's blossoming. And never we forget, flowers don't bloom in a day.

So while i'm still insecure at times and terrified of the future, i also look forward to the challenges it may give me, the new friends that i will make, the endless opportunities.

For the first time in forever, i see the world in bright, vivid colours. I see the hope and possibilities. For the first time in forever (okay, Frozen much?) I'm living the dream. (or at least part of it - still need 150 more pieces in that 1,000 piece puzzle to complete me!)





 ❤  ❤  ❤ 

10 Things I Wish I Told My Younger Self

"Whether it is a meeting by chance or a major event, every occurrence will affect the future, for a man's path of life is not only unstoppable, it is also neverending. The smallest thing, the shortest amount of time, the littlest piece of record of memory... the fate that accompanies you will never disappear." 



Before delving any deeper into the subject, just let me say - yes, i do believe in fate.

I believe that we are free to make our own choices, but the many things that happen in our lives are fated. What we make of it, is up to us, but the occurrence that happens, is meant to be.

As such, i explain it as -

If i am at [Point A] and my fate dictates that i must arrive at [Point B], I will eventually arrive at [Point B], no matter what i do. But like travelling between destinations, my choices and my reactions will affect the rate by which i arrive to [Point B]. Such as - I can travel from Vancouver to Seattle via plane, via car, via foot - that is a choice, and it is up to me. No matter what i do, i will eventually arrive at Seattle - but as we can see, some methods are more efficient than others.

As such, i believe that every meeting, every occurrence, that happens in my life, happens because it is meant to be.

Despite my firm belief in such, there are still many things, many life lessons, that i wish i could have told my "younger self," had i had the chance to time travel.




No doubt, i am speaking to a 15, 16, 17-year-old me, and i am still young, 18 in only a few short days. But i have changed, because a person is constantly changing, constantly being influenced by the people around them, by their dreams, by their environment.

I may not be drastically different from who i was back then, but with what little knowledge i have gained now,

These are the 10 things i wish i could tell my younger self.







10) Don't be afraid to speak out. Don't live your life constantly wording and rewording your sentences, thinking twice before speaking, worrying that it won't be received well. If you think it you can speak it - those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, won't mind. Don't let yourself be silenced by your fear.



9) Don't let other people bully you. You may stay with a certain person or people out of fear of rejection, or because they are blackmailing you, emotionally abusing you, any of the myriad of reasons. But whatever their intentions, whatever their meaning, you are better than this. Don't let people push you around or let them try and dictate your life. And if they can't respect your choices or make you feel good about yourself at the end of the day, they're not worth it. Don't waste time with people that don't create value or love in your life.



8) Party hard. Going against everything that parents say, let loose and party hard. Whatever people say about responsibility, or taking caution, throw that to the wind. Let loose, get blackout drunk, kiss a few boys, and live it up. Dance your heart out. There's no shame in doing what you want to do, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. They'll live their life, you live yours. Don't let social constraints stop you from having a good time.



7) It's okay to have some quiet alone time. You might think that being at the centre and hub of all happenings is great, and may feel lost without someone to keep you afloat, but remember that alone time is also something to be cherished. Take it as a time to centre yourself so you can be fabulous once you get back to being around people.



6) Take chances. It's better to have tried and failed than to never try at all. They say that life begins at the end of your comfort zone, and it's true. Whenever something makes you feel iffy or nervous, go for it. Whether or not you enjoy it, at least now you have an extra experience to call your own. When an opportunity presents itself, jump for it. If you spend time pondering and find that it's too late, you'll end up scrounging around hoping for another opportunity. Seize the day. Don't let your inhibitions hold you back from achieving your potential.



5) Be yourself. This means more than just expressing yourself and all your quirks. Remember your values, where you came from, what you find important in life. It is so easy to get swept along with all the new opportunities and people that you forget your distinguishing features. Don't soften or sweeten up because you think you should. If people don't like you for you, then it's time to rethink if they're worth it at all. Be you, because that's when you know your friends are there for you and not a fake. Don't let your idealistic view of yourself stop you from expressing your personality.



4) No means no. As much as we all joke about "no means yes" or "if he was cute," No means no. Unless you giggle. Or actually mean yes. Then no means yes. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Don't let anyone victim-blame. Remember that first and foremost you need to care about your own safety. Your friends are there to support that too. And if someone insists on participating in rape culture or victim-blaming, cut them out of your life. (or at least, don't party with them). This sort of behaviour is dangerous to you. While everyone is entitled to their own opinion, you are entitled to your safety. Don't let pop culture change the meaning of consent.



3) Don't let your happiness depend on another person. Great if you're connected at the hips and cannot be separated, but never let your happiness depend on another person. We are all human and inevitably, we all seek the best for ourselves. You would jump at better opportunities, as would they. Find your soul sistas, and find happiness in their company, but don't depend on them entirely for the concept known as happiness. Don't let other people run your world.



2) Get back up. You will fall, literally and figuratively. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember that anything that doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. Remember: better a diamond with a flaw, than a pebble without. Sometimes you will have people there to pick you up, and other times you won't - but no matter if you're surrounded by loved ones or by yourself, get up before the mud stains, those jeans are designer! Don't be afraid of failure, nobody is perfect.



1) Appreciate life. Look up from your phone. Life is happening. Enjoy it. Every little moment, take the time to cherish it. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, so enjoy today. Don't let your past hold you back from your future.

#Blessed... Literally.

So...

It's been awhile since i last blogged, since school's been pretty busy and all that. Buuuut... I'm back for the day~!

Anyway, just yesterday i went to see [Annabelle] with a friend of mine, and it was ~GOOD~.

It wasn't UH-MAZING but it was ~GOOD~.

The story was intriguing, the visuals are nice, the concepts are good, the scares are frightening.

I can't say i was a fan of the ending though, i guess i can even say, i downright hated it. AND it followed the very generic horror story plotline, which is all fine and dandy and all, its just that i could totally see it coming.

And since it's advertised as, "Before the Conjuring, there was Annabelle," I think i'm going to stream the Conjuring next.

Although, i totally couldn't sleep that night, since my bed's a mess (like my closet threw up on my bed) so i've been sleeping on the floor. And right at the foot of my "new bed," i have a bookcase, and on top is piled tons and tons of plushies and also an Alice doll. (which isn't really doll-like but i disgress).

So while i slept peacefully at first, i woke up sometime in the middle of the night while remembering a scene from [Annabelle], looked up, saw Alice, and began to freak out a little bit while still being lucid.

And thinking back, that brings us to the post of today, in which i am #Blessed. Literally.






A long time ago, I remember my grandparents saying that they would bathe me in rice water with some sort of healing leaves, when i was still a baby. Since i wouldn't stop crying. (Colic?)

Which in itself is nothing unusual, until you take into account the various legends and myths and superstitions that old Asian people subscribe to, which totally sort of freaks me out.

But that is a thing of the past.

More recently (not actually recent) when i was about 5 to 7, i remember being in a temple.

Being #blessed.

Like, standing in front of some sort of statue, there were a lot of priests and incense sticks, chanting, and someone drew something in red on my back.

...very #Blessed indeed.

At any rate i also remember the ink being really itchy so afterwards i insisted on washing it off. Which i can't remember if my wishes were respected or not, but in any case...

This spring, too, when i went, i remember people insisted on "blessing" me at the temple. This time, i was adamant on not doing it - my holiday is already short, i wanted to spend as much of it as possible enjoying myself, and readily refused to be "blessed."

What it comes down to, i still don't know.

Was it a tradition?

Was it protection?

did they see something that i can't see?

I still don't know, and i don't think anyone will ever explain anything to me.

At any case, i'm still a fairly paranoid person and a very big scaredy cat too.

I hope it's nothing that a horror story can be written about la~




~ReRE~

A Very International Class

Hi everyone~!

It's been a super long time since i last posted, huh! I've been very busy, you see :) I spent my entire summer split between visiting family in Asia and family in the USA, and haven't found the time to write anything, especially with university looming around the corner.

And wouldn't you know it - time flies! University is already a week in, and finally i'm writing to share with you an experience in a particular class. :)

So as you may or may not know, i've always wished to be a person that travelled a lot, or a TCK, or an expat, or anything similar, but no dice. I live with a single culture, through and through.

So imagine my surprise when i went to one of my classes (small class, ~25 people), and the teacher asked, "who is not from here?"

and ~95% of the people raised their hands.

As such, we went through introductions, mostly stating our names and where we're from.

And most people have come from places outside of here, and many were from 2 or more ethnicities.

Naturally, i was one of the ~5% people who was born "here," raised "here," and might as well live the rest of my life "here."

To be honest, i think that this is the only time i've ever been in an area with so many people from so many different places. It's really interesting, although i have only talked to a handful of them.

But wow - short entry huh. but anyway, i thought that it'd be interesting to share this, since it was particularly interesting to me.

As for updating - i'll do my best to update but from here on out there will probably be no planned updates.



Up next: My time in Taiwan; My time in Seattle.



See you next time ! <3

How To Be a Hypocrite

One of the most important people in my life once told me,

"You are the composite average of the top five people you spend time with."

Well, one of the top five people i used to (read: used to) spend time with, is my lovely Mango, who i'm in some sort of love-hate relationship with. (hate to love you? love to hate you?)

I'm not exactly fond of many of her morals, as mentioned by many of my previous posts, and i had reckoned at the time, "no way! I'm nothing like Mango! we're like, complete opposites!"

And of course, over the course of 3 months, i prove myself utterly and completely wrong and hypocrtical for judging her the way i did, when i turn around and do the EXACT SAME THING.

Am I as awful as Mango sometimes is? Gawds, i hope not.

My two top hypocritical moments, ladies and gents -

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"I don't like nice guys!"

When Mango first said that to me, i laughed it off and labeled her a masochist.

Who doesn't like nice guys?

They're sweet, caring, they can give you roses for Valentines day, and love you with all their heart. They're kind and gentle and sort of like a personal sun, shining so bright and lighting up your day.

I told her that she was ridiculous for not liking nice guys, and judged her for it.

We shook hands on never fighting over the same guy since we like different types.

Fast forward a few months, after some deep soul searching (in terms of romance, anyway) I come back to Mango, halfway sullen.

"You're right," i tell her, "About what?" she asks, that smirk on her face already,

"About guys. You're right. It's better when they're a little bit mean."

She laughs, and we shake on it.

Even if we go after the same general gist of it, our types are still completely different.

Looking back, save for just one exception, all the guys that i've crushed on, were a little bit mean, a little bit arrogant, a little bit everything that i'm not.

(To be fair, that nice guy is the one that shines the brightest in my eyes. I won't ever see him again - but the imprint he's left on my heart won't easily be erased)

For the record, a "nice guy" does not equate to "a square guy," cause MY nice guy sure wasn't square. He was as wild as they came - in a very nice package, that's all.

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"I don't love him anymore - i don't even want to be with him, i just don't want him to be happy with someone else, i want him to always want me." 

In a nutshell, anyway.

You might remember that post.

When it was first said by Mango, it sent me off the railings.

how could you be so cruel to a nice guy that was willing to give you his all?! How could you say such heartless things about the guy that you didn't even want, just because he didn't want you anymore?!

I judged so hard.

And that judgement came right back to slap me in the face.

Because you know what?

I get what she's saying.

At the end of the day, humans are selfish creatures. We may not always be selfish in terms of love, but we are always selfish in terms of something.

All of us - no exceptions - would be willing to do awful things, given the right circumstances and the right motivations. ALL of us.

I thought that i'd never think the way Mango did - I was wrong.

When something remotely similar happened to me - I doubled back, and thought,

"But i don't want to be second-best. I don't want you to forget me. I don't want you to have anyone other than me. I preach about wanting you to find happiness - but that's only if that happiness includes ME. I want to be the one and only."

And then i realized how selfish that was.

How much like Mango i sounded.

To feel hurt over someone being happy with someone other than oneself, that is selfish (albeit inevitable) behaviour.

I finally got how Mango felt at that time - and why.

You want someone to be happy - but you don't want it to disclude you, even if you are unwilling or unable to truly give them what they need.

That is the true selfish nature of humans.

Thinking back, many possibly good things ended that way - because my selfish nature dictates that i must have all or nothing. If i'm not at the top of the list, then i don't want to be on the list at all.

People know me as selfless and kind, but i think, now that i've come to this realisation, that whatever face "people" knew me by, was only a mask to hide the true monstrosity that i am.

A person that is not unlike Mango at all, even though i've sworn up and down that i'd never be like her.

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I think i'm not like Mango?

Ha.

Think again, princess.

We don't call ourselves evil twins for no reason.

Careful what you wish you - wanting to be like her means taking the bad with the good.

If that means being hypocritical… well, that's just one more thing for her to say, "I told you so!" about, isnt it?






~Ren~

Tips for a Better Flight

As we all know, flying can SUCK.

All that uneeded stress, leg cramps, tiny seats, awful food, and cuddling up with strangers? no thanks!

Due to that alone most people say that they hate airports or airplanes, but to be honest, i'm the opposite. Airplanes and airports are no joyrides, but i like them. They're the exciting prelude to an exciting adventure, the "we're almost there!" feeling before actually getting there.

To me, getting there's half the fun, even if it involves being crammed into a tiny space fit for a sardine.

Without further ado, there are some tips and tricks that i actually do use, in order to feel more comfortable on a plane or arriving at the airport. This will also be in chronological order.

**NOTE** I have yet to travel solo except one time, other than that i've always flown with family or a friend, so my situation may wind up being different from yours.


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Packing Your Bags 
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Well, first things first - getting to the airport. 

A trip usually starts with packing your suitcase (aside from booking tickets and researching destination and what not) and packing, i'd say, is not my forte, and usually is the source of a lot of uneccecary stress for me when travelling. 

I always wind up packing last minute, and usually i forget something at home and don't realise it until i'm actually there. (but that's what gift shops and department stores are for, right? I usually go to places that have been known to be a shopper's mecca anyway so it doesn't matter). 

I recommend packing about a week before you intend to set out just to give yourself more than the allotted time - and of course, so that if you procrastinate, you won't die in the fiery pits of hell. 

A nice tidbit that my mother taught me is to roll your clothes instead of folding them - apparantly it takes up less room (I don't see it) and it's easier to find what you want to wear (i see it). 

Depending on your destination and how far you're going (usually my trips on the plane are 10 hours +, going from Vancouver to somewhere in Asia or Europe), a myriad of clothing is helpful if you don't intend to "buy as you go." 

As for packing for the plane ride itself, that also depends largely on how far you're going. 

On short distance trips (to the US or the other side of Canada) i rarely bring anything on board with me, save for some entertainment and snacks. There's usually on flight entertainment anyway, so no need to make your carry-ons heavier than it needs to be. 

On longer flights (seeing that most of mine are so many hours on end), carry-ons tend to, of course, need more things. Generally i pack a small change of clothes, usually my PJ's, for the plane, so i can be comfortable on and presentable off, along with a small fleece blanket, and of course, lots and lots of sweets to eat when you're bored or taking off (I'm prone to ear pain).

I tend to fly at night for longer trips, so i don't need to bring a lot of entertainment - usually i bring my laptop (for a diary), my phone (for use once i get there or to download movies on before boarding), and my 3DS (i cheat and download some walkthroughs in case i get stuck).

But aside from that i usually sleep 5+ hours on the plane so all's good. 

A few things i recommend bringing on your carry-on whether or not your flight is long…

• Earplugs (babies and children and just the plane noises can be annoying, and these will drown out the sounds and make it easier to relax. alternatively, earphones or earbuds work, if they're noise cancelling)
• Snacks (This is highly optional but i eat when i'm bored and plane rides can often be boring, especially if yours is during the daytime or if they're only a couple of hours long. Sucking on hard candy can also ease ear pain when ascending or descending)
• Baby wipes (for any spills or sticky hands, and can also be used for freshening up before leaving the plane)

For the carry-on itself i've always preferred backpacks due to their easy mobility. roller carriages are also alright for me but not preferred, since i can handle wearing it on my back just as easily. Generally they also don't provide that much extra space anyhow, but it really depends on what you intend to do with it. 

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At the Airport and Security 

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It's generally recommended that you get to the airport about 2-3 hours before departure and i personally find that just perfect. 

Many don't like the airport because of the hustle and bustle but that's the very thing i find attractive about it. that, and, perhaps as a younger traveller and i'm naive - seeing that i experience zero stress at airports since it's always already taken care of. 

I travel at night for long hauls, so the place is peaceful on top of that. It's a relaxing stroll. but during the day it is busy and lively and it's also entertaining to people-watch. Regardless, i have a lot of fun. 

Arriving early can seem boring but it helps with the stress - check in early, and once inside the airport itself, doing some browsing or shopping is simple and easy and stress-free. Usually there are also lounges to sit in or duty-free things to buy, or restaurants to have some tea in, so the things you can do at an airport is limitless. 

Have a midday drink, if you will. 

The airport's the only place that won't judge you for drinking at 4 in the afternoon, if any. 

Once you've worn yourself out just head to your boarding area to sit down and relax. Usuaully there are free drinks so why not help yourself to one of those? (except i always find that it tastes like sh*t). 

That aside, i always take the time at the airport to buy a small lunch (usually a Subway) to bring onto the plane with me, since you know what? Airplane food SUCKS. and with my allergies i can't eat most of it anyway. 

Now, before actually getting in you'll have to go through security - and that's actually one of my favourite things to do. It's exciting for me, although it can be mundane and boring and irritating for many others. Just choose the fastest line and go, go, go! 

I always try to wear comfortable easy on easy off shoes, such as flip flops or Keds. I try to wear simple cotton tops (pullover hoodies with a tank top underneath) so it's easy to pass security and comfortable on the plane. I find that leggings or jeggings (my preferred travelling pants) are also great choices to pass security in, as well as to be comfortable on the plane in. 

Just remember all your things. I've had to run back and fetch something i've forgotten before, and that really adds to the stress of the entire experience. 

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Boarding 

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Boarding is one of my favourite parts. You look through the window and see them getting the plane ready - it's almost time to go! The excitement is always there no matter how many times we've been through it. Every time is different. 

It's good to board early if applicable - if travelling with family of course you get to. And if you're travelling with a friend with a small child or if you strike up a conversation with a mother and her young children, you can also ask to board with them. 

This makes it easier and less stressful to find your seat - so that you're not holding up and entire line of people if you need to backtrack, or if you're sensitive about accidently bumping people while manuvering past them.

Me, i like to get on with the regular crowd, or even last, if i can. I'm already going to be spending 12 hours straight on a plane, no need to lengthen that time period. 

Just have your tickets ready and eyes peeled, this really should be the easiest part of the entire flight. 

Oh, and, be sure to touch the outside of the plane before boarding. 

It's good luck. 

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Settling In and Seats 

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Airplane seats are TINNNNY, unless you're in business class or first class but let's face it - if you're reading this, you're probably in coach like me. Crammed in like sardines in a can. Yup. Pleasant. Yum. 

That being said, some seats are better than others, and those usually being the bulkhead and the emergency exit row. And of course, not having the area in the middle is usually good.

Seeing that i usually travel with others, whether it be family or a friend (or heck, my class), i usually wind up in either the window seat or the aisle seat. (it's probably the plane, the fact that it's smaller - but there's no middle seat where i go, just as well, anyway). 

My preferences are actually the window or aisle, too, just as well. And i don't like the bulkhead either. 

Getting on for me is personal - i know my tastes are often not for other people, so there's my disclaimer. 

Remember me saying i use a backpack as my carry-on? Well, that's because i don't put it in the overhead compartment, noooo, i like to put it at my feet. And i know, i know, the flight attendants say, "don't do that!" and i just throw the blanket over it to make it look like a blanket clump on the ground.

It's easier to access your things that way, don't blame me. 

Now, plane seats are uncomfortable, i know that. So here's a few things that i do to help me settle in, and will hopefully help you settle in as well. 

Personally, i have three default positions when sitting on a plane, and all are quite comfortable, if you don't mind looking like a total jackass. (because let's face it - majority of people just sit normally, maybe reclining. I don't do that. but heck, i don't think normal exists). 

• Cross legged. (granted, this only works if you are with family or a friend and don't mind looking like "that passenger" but it's surprisingly comfortable, especially if they let you lift the arm rest. Even if they don't, that's still fine. Just try not to take over someone else's space, cause that's not polite. Try not to do this if you're with a stranger - most of the time they won't appreciate it. I've done it before and they didn't mind but hey, i lucked out.) 
• Slouching. (this one's my favourite and it gives you the most room. I put the pillow behind my back to support it, and slide my butt to the edge of my seat, propping my feet up in the little pocket that holds flight magazines. it doesn't look the prettiest but if you sit like this, at least you're not kneeing other people in their sides, and usually i can also keep my arms comfortably nestled in the seat without an armrest. ideal if you have a stranger seatmate.) 
• Curled up on your side. (This one really only works in the aisle seat or a window seat, i wouldn't try it if you get stuck in the middle. I use one armrest to support my back and the other one to support my legs, so that i'm sitting sideways. This is my ideal sleeping position. This one most likely isn't for everybody - it requires a certain amount of flexibility to sit in this position for a long time. )

Or alternatively…

• Normal. (just like other passengers. It's relatively comfortable too, and you'd look like a normal human being. But personally, my legs cramp up really badly when i sit "normally," hence, all my strange sitting positions. )

What sitting position you use also largely depends on who you are sitting with. When i sit with my family i can sit all splayed out and nobody really cares. We lift the arm rest on occasion as well, especially before we try sleeping. (i always put it back down to sleep since i sleep facing sideways and it keeps me curled up). 

Sitting with a friend also works; we both raise the arm rest and sit cross legged, making it a lot more roomy than with an arm rest down. 

But no worries - sitting with a stranger isn't all that different; Just make sure not to take over their seat. I still default to the three sitting positions mentioned above when having a stranger seat mate, and they never told me not to do that. 

That being said, i usually fly overnight or long haul trips, meaning that yes, you do need to get comfortable, and yes, at one point or another, everybody is sleeping and won't mind what way you are sitting. 

just remember to sit up properly and buckle your seat belt when required to, otherwise (at least for me), it's all free game. 

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Sleeping

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Sleeping on a flight can easily be one of the hardest ways to sleep, seeing how limited your room is. 

I have a habit of falling asleep whenever in a moving car though, so it's a tiny bit easier for me, even without popping those sleeping pills. 

What i'd say is, before going to sleep, GO TO THE WASHROOM FIRST. you don't want to get woken up by your bladder. 

Aside from that, i like to fall asleep naturally. watch a movie, or listen to music, or heck, play a game (just remember to save frequently - if you fall asleep in a boss battle and die, and you haven't saved, i refuse to be held responsible), until you drift off to sleep. 

Usually if your seat is reclined and you have a blanket, it shouldn't be that difficult to sleep for long hours at a time. It makes it all the easier if your seat mate is a friend or family, in which case you might want to negotiate the arm rest position. 

I usually wrap my blanket around my shoulders and fall asleep that way, but that's just me. I've always preferring wearing my blanket cape-style than draped over my body the regular way. If you curl up sleeping the way i do, it's best to take the window seat, so if you fall back you have somewhere to put your head. 

It still works in the aisle seat but just be certain to keep your body weight forward, towards your legs, because if you're jarred and fall back… Owch. 

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Eating

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Eating is an essential thing on a long haul flight, and usually not a problem on the shorter ones. (hello packet of almonds!) 

But since i usually take long flights, I usually bring my own food on. Whether it's a Subway i purchased before the flight, or a Mister Noodle that i can ask them to put boiling water in, or just some bread or sweets that i've prepared, whatever it is, will usually be better than the airplane food. 

Now, i have allergies. I usually order a fruit meal because of that. 

But most of the time the fruit will contain a fruit i can't eat, and if they're not careful how they arrange the fruit, i just can't eat the entire platter. Oh, and, the snack sucks. A piece of cake, really? (i usually give it away or mash it up for fun, either ore). 

Of course i've had good meals before, of which i am eternally grateful for. 

But it's really just easier to bring your own sh*t on the plane. i bet you a bowl of instant noodles will taste better than whatever they give you in coach. slurp it down, enjoy the deliciousness. 

Personally i don't like getting woken up for meals. If i'm sleeping, let the sleeping girl lie. 

That's when family or friends are good; they can accept your meal for you (or even eat if for you, if you're comatose and won't wake till landing). 

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Landing

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One of the most exciting parts of a long plane ride - landing! you see as your lower through the fluffy clouds, and then wow, you can see! see the mountains, the oceans, the cities… especially the cities! I usually arrive at dawn when it's still dark so to see the city lights lighting up the sky is beautiful, or to see a morning sunrise! 

I usually start packing up when there is about an hour and half or an hour before we are going to land. 

Go to the washroom and freshen up, change your clothes if you need to. wipe down your face with a wet towel, maybe brush your teeth if you brought a toothbrush. comb your hair. (usually mine gets staticy after sitting in a plane for so long, so i also spray a bit of water or leave in hair conditioner). 

I also gather up all the garbage from whatever i'm eating and put them into the puke bag, put my shoes back on, and make sure that everything except what i need immediately, is in my carry-on. (another reason to use a backpack - you don't need to get up and get your stuff out upon landing, it's already with you!) 

i usually bring out a huge selection of sweets to eat upon descent - if i don't chew or swallow or eat constantly on the way down, my ears can hurt to high heaven and stay plugged for the next couple of days. NOT pleasant. 

After landing, i usually don't prefer to fight my way out of the plane - i patiently wait for a break in the line, grab my bag, and then cut in. no hassle, no need to get anything out of the overhead bin, just simple and easy. 

Then thank all the flight attendants for being so helpful (they usually are VERY sweet), and then leave the plane, happy for a great flight. 

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Arrival

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This is single handedly the best part. I love seeing what the other airports look like! I love the long flat escalators, i love all the pretty marble floors and bright lights, i love seeing other travellars heading out or going home. 

You still have to go through customs and whatnot but that's really no biggie. 

you've arrived! 

Grabbing the luggage is usually the part i dread though - i'm not good at recognizing my own baggage, since i'm never using the same one. and pulling it off the conveyer is no easy task either. I don't consider myself weak but the suitcase is usually easily half my size, depending on where i'm going or who i'm going with, so it's no easy task to throw it around like small fry.

After getting all the luggage together i usually like to go for a nice breakfast inside the airport, especially if i'm with family. Just head to the food court to find something that suits your palate :)

I usually find that i have a delicate stomach after a long plane journey, so i like eating light the first day or three just in case.  

And after a nice breakfast, you've got all your stuff, and it's time to leave and go forth on your amazing journey! 

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Well, hope you enjoyed that :) 

I'm flying in less than a week's time and i'm super excited to go, i've always loved travelling and i still love airplanes and airports. 

I know some of my tips are not useable for everybody but it works well for me and usually i have a great flight. 

Leave comments and tips, onegai~! <3 

Till Thursday then, my sweets ^_^ 

~Rere~