One of the most important people in my life once told me,
"You are the composite average of the top five people you spend time with."
Well, one of the top five people i used to (read: used to) spend time with, is my lovely Mango, who i'm in some sort of love-hate relationship with. (hate to love you? love to hate you?)
I'm not exactly fond of many of her morals, as mentioned by many of my previous posts, and i had reckoned at the time, "no way! I'm nothing like Mango! we're like, complete opposites!"
And of course, over the course of 3 months, i prove myself utterly and completely wrong and hypocrtical for judging her the way i did, when i turn around and do the EXACT SAME THING.
Am I as awful as Mango sometimes is? Gawds, i hope not.
My two top hypocritical moments, ladies and gents -
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"I don't like nice guys!"
When Mango first said that to me, i laughed it off and labeled her a masochist.
Who doesn't like nice guys?
They're sweet, caring, they can give you roses for Valentines day, and love you with all their heart. They're kind and gentle and sort of like a personal sun, shining so bright and lighting up your day.
I told her that she was ridiculous for not liking nice guys, and judged her for it.
We shook hands on never fighting over the same guy since we like different types.
Fast forward a few months, after some deep soul searching (in terms of romance, anyway) I come back to Mango, halfway sullen.
"You're right," i tell her, "About what?" she asks, that smirk on her face already,
"About guys. You're right. It's better when they're a little bit mean."
She laughs, and we shake on it.
Even if we go after the same general gist of it, our types are still completely different.
Looking back, save for just one exception, all the guys that i've crushed on, were a little bit mean, a little bit arrogant, a little bit everything that i'm not.
(To be fair, that nice guy is the one that shines the brightest in my eyes. I won't ever see him again - but the imprint he's left on my heart won't easily be erased)
For the record, a "nice guy" does not equate to "a square guy," cause MY nice guy sure wasn't square. He was as wild as they came - in a very nice package, that's all.
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"I don't love him anymore - i don't even want to be with him, i just don't want him to be happy with someone else, i want him to always want me."
In a nutshell, anyway.
You might remember that post.
When it was first said by Mango, it sent me off the railings.
how could you be so cruel to a nice guy that was willing to give you his all?! How could you say such heartless things about the guy that you didn't even want, just because he didn't want you anymore?!
I judged so hard.
And that judgement came right back to slap me in the face.
Because you know what?
I get what she's saying.
At the end of the day, humans are selfish creatures. We may not always be selfish in terms of love, but we are always selfish in terms of something.
All of us - no exceptions - would be willing to do awful things, given the right circumstances and the right motivations. ALL of us.
I thought that i'd never think the way Mango did - I was wrong.
When something remotely similar happened to me - I doubled back, and thought,
"But i don't want to be second-best. I don't want you to forget me. I don't want you to have anyone other than me. I preach about wanting you to find happiness - but that's only if that happiness includes ME. I want to be the one and only."
And then i realized how selfish that was.
How much like Mango i sounded.
To feel hurt over someone being happy with someone other than oneself, that is selfish (albeit inevitable) behaviour.
I finally got how Mango felt at that time - and why.
You want someone to be happy - but you don't want it to disclude you, even if you are unwilling or unable to truly give them what they need.
That is the true selfish nature of humans.
Thinking back, many possibly good things ended that way - because my selfish nature dictates that i must have all or nothing. If i'm not at the top of the list, then i don't want to be on the list at all.
People know me as selfless and kind, but i think, now that i've come to this realisation, that whatever face "people" knew me by, was only a mask to hide the true monstrosity that i am.
A person that is not unlike Mango at all, even though i've sworn up and down that i'd never be like her.
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I think i'm not like Mango?
Ha.
Think again, princess.
We don't call ourselves evil twins for no reason.
Careful what you wish you - wanting to be like her means taking the bad with the good.
If that means being hypocritical… well, that's just one more thing for her to say, "I told you so!" about, isnt it?
~Ren~
