In the meantime, here is an open letter to my crush, written shortly after after a confession fiasco. After i have cried 5 hours in a row, after he stopped replying, after a lot of things.
One of those things where, i didn't really know how to put things into words, didn't know what to do about him (double text? give him time?) didn't know how to feel (cry? cry? cry? get mad? cry?).
I hope that one day, my feelings will be able to reach someone.
~~~
i think what people dont understand is that i don’t see the world for what it is - mountains, and geography, oceans and landscapes and buildings and monuments. of course, all those exist, they’re all beautiful places that i hope one day to visit, to see, for the beauty of the world. but that’s not the world is to me. Maybe it’s a bit selfish to say in the least, but when i look at the world i dont see the ocean, or the sand dunes, or the endless plains and glaciers and sky and clouds. i see the people that are important to me. my friends, and my family, all my loved ones. they are the world to me. When i invest in someone i invest a lot in them - a little bit of my soul every time. i want them to stay for the long run, not just a short time. how long is forever? well sometimes, it’s just a second. but the goal is always to make forever as long as it should be. that’s why i never leave people before they leave me. that’s why i don’t let go, until they do. you never know how much someone needs you - so if you know that you’ll be alright, you make damn sure they will be, too. That’s not to say there haven’t been people i have left behind. But i don’t do it for no reason - i’ve always done my best until the end, because everyone is so, so important to me. That’s why sometimes i cry so easily, and hurt so much. It’s not easy being vulnerable, and it’s not easy to like people so fiercely and faithfully. Sometimes i wonder if it’s best to build up walls, to stop all this, but then i realize that’s not the answer. I have a lot of love to give, to everyone. I may not be there is person always. But i wish that the people who are important to me understand these very short few things - that i will always be there for them. forever and ever and always. even when we are fighting, even when i am fast asleep, even when i am thousands of miles again, just say the word and i’ll be there. the people in my life now may not be the people who will be in my life forever. but even so, ten years from now, these are the people that i hope to still be my side. the girls now are the girls i’d love for one day to become my bridesmaids. the ones i go on spontaneous trips to Spain with. the ones that i laugh and cry with, the ones that’ll go on adventures with. Ten years fro now, or maybe even fifteen, or twenty, or more, i want my children to grow up knowing theirs, and knowing them. Because everyone is precious to me, and i don’t ever want to leave. Even if our forever is only a second long. That goes the same for you, too. Once you’ve met someone, you never really forget them. Whether they made you smile or laugh or cry, they’ve left an impact on your life. I hope from the bottom of my heart that i leave positive imprints on everyone’s. Today when my friend finally texted me, i was ecstatic beyond words. This girl, this one very important girl, had been gone for so long. I don’t know about others, but i’ve always periodically texted her, to keep her in the loop. Because she’s important to me, because i want to, because if i were in her place, that’s what i hope people would do for me. And her words struck me deep. She thanked me - and it’s not the thank you that matters. It’s that she told me that i made a difference. Thanked me for being around and always texting, and that she loved me so very much. I love her so very much too. All of you. All my friends and family. No matter how recent, or how far. Time doesn’t determine friendship - character does. The people that come into your life and says, “i’ll be here for you,” and then proves it. I hope that for all of you i am that person. that’s why it hurts. It’s like walking through a battlefield with no clothes on. You’re vulnerable, you’re scared, and there’s no way for you to walk away unscarred. You know it. But wounds heal, though scars remain. I wish you knew how much you meant to me. How much everything affects me. Already you’re my friend, one of my closer ones too. I don’t wish for you to share the burden of my tears, but i wish you knew that just like for my girls, there is nothing i wouldn’t do for you. When i cry it’s from my heart, because i’m vulnerable, but i’m also fierce - fierce in my feelings. I never feel anything halfheartedly. When i like people, it’s not soft or sunshine at all. It’s fierce - like the sun on a scorching day. I’d fight mythical monsters and climb mountains for each and all of you, if it comes down to that. I will hang on till the last threads of time, so that we don’t need to be apart. As my friend you are already privy to all this. That’s why i cry, though - because it’s not easy. Because it’s more than friendship, to me. Because for you i make my 11:11 wishes, over and over again. i blow on dandelion fluffs and find delight in eyelashes fallen. There has never been grey areas for me, my world has always been the deepest of blacks and whites. Epicurean at heart. When i like you i like you fiercely, and i do. Whatever people say about time and origin - i don’t care. I know there’s lots to consider, of course! when is there not? But i don’t think it’s all that important to think too deep on all that. sometimes, it’s okay to just be. And maybe i should be apologetic for liking you - i am apologetic, if it’s an inconvenience, or if it stresses you, or pressures you. There is nothing more that i hate than to burden those important to me. But i’m not sorry i like you. And maybe i’m selfish, but i’m not sorry that i’m chasing what i want either. Trust me when i say, it was an incredibly difficult decision. Choosing between what i think would make you happy… and what would make me, happy. Because normally your happiness means more to me than mine. Is there anything better than seeing someone important to you smile? But i made the decision to be selfish in the end, because it was something that was worth fighting for. I wanted to make memories with you, you see. You say you take relationships seriously, and maybe we’re on different levels. I don’t understand seriousness, but maybe that’s because i’m still young. I can’t promise to be proper and serious. But what i can promise is this - i will always be there for you. I won’t let go - ever - until you choose to leave. I will like you fiercely and with all my heart. All i wanted was to have fun, you know? I wanted to climb mountains with you and watch the sun set and eat ice cream. I wanted to count the stars and fall asleep in each other’s arms and kiss in the rain and go swimming in the harbour. I want to go on long road trips to faraway places. I want to exceed the ordinary - because to me, you aren’t ordinary. You’re extraordinary. When my life changed last September, ten months ago, i did not think that i could get better than what i had achieved by the time me and my girls finished first year. I thought to myself, this is the life. what more could i want? but then you waltzed right in and changed everything, again. And i’m sorry that you became someone that mattered so much to me in such a short amount of time. But that’s what it is and that’s what happened. All i wanted was to be loved (liked) the way i like you. Freely. Unconditionally. I wanted you to return some of that intensity that i have, that Scorpio fueled intensity. I didn’t want to be second choice, or a difficult decision. I didn’t want to continue and see what happens. I want to live in the now. Because right now you mean so, so much to me. Because my feelings are unchangeable, just as stubborn as i am. Because i truly think, if you gave me this one thing, we could create miracles. I don’t promise to be the perfect person because i’m not. I’m not particularly sweet tempered nor easygoing. I’m not particularly good at cooking, or communicating, but what i can promise is that i’ll always try my best, and what i do promise is that i will always give you all of me. It’s too soon to say anything related to be the big L-word. But i’m not lying when i say i’ve fallen. Fast and hard. that’s why i cry. Because it hurts, from my legs to my stomach to my head to my heart. It resonates in my very soul, because you matter. Because if there was one thing that i was truly being selfish about, it would be this. Because it would mean more to me than anything to be yours. That’s why i chase it so stubbornly, and argue with you about it. Even though i’ve never, ever argued about anything with anyone, ever. I’m a peaceful person of sorts, but i can also be a hurricane when it comes down to it. But see… You don’t know any of this do you. What i feel, and what i do. How many tears i’ve shed over you. You don’t know any of this, do you. It’s okay though. I don’t intend to tell you either. Maybe one day. But that day won’t be anytime soon. Right now i just want to work things out, above all else. Though i stubbornly chase labels, (or stars, to me) the one thing i still dont want, is for you to give in because i insisted. If anything, i want this to be something that you want as well, from the bottom of your heart. And i’m sorry that i’m emotional and clingy and hopeful and messed up and all sorts of a trainwreck. I’m not perfect. And i’m sorry about that. Sometimes i feel like you deserve so much better than me, so i’m sorry about being selfish. But i truly hope that perhaps you’ll come to realize that just like my girls, you are the world to me. I cry over you and stress over you and you’re on my mind like a haunting. I have a one track mind and it’s all consumed by just one person - you. Because you matter. You talk seriousness - but you’ve hurt me before, although unintentionally. Despite that, i’m still always there. There is no time that you will ever call me out for whatever reason and i will refuse. (unless i am with my girls, then that’s another story all together). I think in all actuality… I am so much more serious than you are. I’ve cried myself to sleep for you, and just the opposite, i’ve stayed up way after the sun has risen, because you’d haunt my dreams if i did. I talk about you to my friends, to perfect strangers, because you’re on my mind. I love the way you smile and the way you laugh, and everything about you. But have you ever, for me? I don’t think so. you dont know what sort of affect you have on me - the stress when i dont get responses, the hurt when you said what you did. I’m still so sorry that i pursued this so stubbornly, but i can’t stop now. I hope you’ll forgive me eventually for being so hardheaded. I wish we could just go back to the way we usually speak - with emojis and pet names and endless but needless conversations. When all this blows over, there is nothing more that i want than for things to go back to the way they were, before the perfect storm happened. I don’t want my stubbornness getting in the way, and being the way things end, i don’t. I’d cry, trust me, i’d cry so much harder than you would think possible. At the end of the day, you know, i always wish on a star for you. And i don’t know why i do it. I’ve known you for what, all of three months? two-and-a-half? but somehow it all felt timeless. My best friends now are girls i’ve met ten months ago. You’re already a third of the way there. At nights… I really so pray sometimes, think to myself, if there is some higher power, please, oh please, let this work out in my favour. Don’t let me cry anymore. But then i wonder to myself, too. When you talk serious… do you really know what you’re talking about? Do you miss me when i’m not there, the way i miss you? Do you smile at your phone when you get a text from me, the way i do from you? When i don’t answer for a long time, do you wonder where i’ve gone, if i’m mad, if i’m ignoring you, the way i do for you? At night when you’re sleeping alone, do you ever wish i was there, the way i do for you? Do you ever see things, on the internet, on the streets, in a store, and get reminded of me, the way i get reminded of you? After we started talking real talk, serious talk, because of my horribly stubborn ass… Did you ever tear up in public, feeling hollow and sore and hurt because of me… The way i did for you? I may not know seriousness but i think that whatever you’re worried about for me does not exist. If you’re worried that i’m not serious, then erase that thought. You are one and the same, you and my girls. I will do absolutely, positively anything for you guys. And i will never, ever, no matter what, leave your side. I will cry for you or with you or about you and i will constantly long to have you beside me. I already do.
that’s why, i think the problem doesn’t lie with me. Anything you are worried about, anything at all, i dont think it’s to do with me. Not one bit. you may not know any of this, and you may never know, unless i’ve chosen to tell you at some point, but i will never, ever hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. you are my everything. You, and my girls, and my family, and all the people important to me. You are all my everything, and there is not a second in my day where i am not thinking of you all, loving you all, wishing i was with you all.
You especially.
