I'm a bit of a pushover.
Or, if you'd prefer, a bit of a people pleaser.
Or to put it in different terms, i'm a person that enjoys flattering people who enjoy being flattered.
Bottom line is, if i can make you happy, then that makes me happy. (most of the time, anyway)
But then there are these things called 'boundaries', which are these mysterious, invisible signs that yell, "don't even GO there!"
And this is a story about me, these invisible mysterious boundraries, "Mango," a moment of epiphany, and a strange green clip that has more significance than it appears.
I'll start by saying that i'm sorry that i'm always whining in some way or another about Mango. It's the first time i've ever had such an overbearing "bestie" and it's the first time i've had to think so deeply about whether or not a friendship is worth it.
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CONTEXT
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anyone who thinks, "well if you don't like her, just leave! stop being her friend!" - well, it's not that easy. it's a tiny school, i couldn't avoid her if i tried. besides, by this point, the mindset is sort of a "ugh, whatever. i give up. do as you please." annnnnnnnd of course, emotions play a large part in this too.
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and of course, this isn't to say that she's a bad person, because she isn't. i guess it's her personality, and who am i to judge her on it?
besides, there's a thin line between love and hate. i don't mind half the things that she wants me to do, but the condition is obviously that i want her to be truly happy when i do something for her (what's my motivation to make you happy if you're NEVER HAPPY????? i don't care if we're friends and that friends are supposed to make each other happy! why don't I get to be happy??), and of course, that she cherishes the friendship and treasures me and regards me as a person and not hired help.
(cause honestly? if you want a servant, hire a maid. i won't do it for free. that's not fair)
how many times has she taken the stuff i do for her, for granted? i hate the feeling of being left behind as she runs off without even thanking me for (say, writing her stupid essay?). what about a genuinely happy smile and a hug?
i guess you can gather from my tone that i'm feeling pretty pissy right now. (I am). like, you don't 'beckon me over' as though i was your pet instead of your friend. while not giving a f**k that i have a class to get to because "OBVIOUSLY" it's more important that i keep you company. (yeah, like, go f**k yourself).
and maybe i've considered that maybe it's my fauly. maybe i ought to stand up for myself more. maybe i ought to harden my heart and not let her bother me as much as i do. maybe i'm just being overly dependant on someone else. maybe it's not her, it's me.
but still, even if my views of friendship (and love and family and all that) are all sugar coated and naive and impossible, but i'd follow you to hell and back if you're someone that i love or care about. but i'd like to do that because i care about you, not because i'm scared of you.
that's where the real line between true and fake friendship lies.
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ONTO THE STORY ~
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i'm a person that's very symbolic.
everything has a meaning. that's also why i can get very attached to inanimate objects, as i see them as symbols of a different time, or as embodying a sort of love.
so when "Mango" gave me a cute green hairclip (the ridiculously cute type of hair ornament for little girls and not someone of my age - although i admit, i LOVE wearing cute baubles in my hair) for my birthday, it was meaningful to me, especially since she had a matching one.
it was "proof of our friendship - so wear it" (i quote)
and i did wear it. religiously. every day. at almost all times.
because she was my friend and the clip was proof of our friendship.
but the thing about proofs of friendship is, i start feeling obligated to make you feel happy. because we're friends, therefore, i should try and make you happy, right? that's what friends are for. (it's not..)
so, i had on this little green clip and every day just sort of got worse and worse and maybe it's my fault for not putting my foot down and setting up a clear "YOU CANNOT CROSS THIS INVISIBLE LINE OR I WILL BITCHSLAP YOU" but it got to the point where i felt as though that very green clip was the "only clip i could wear" because it's "proof that we're friends."
and THAT is when i realized, something was wrong.
("it's mind control! she's cursed the clip!" - yells I, as i try to find a solution to why i felt this way)
i guess you can say that in a way, the hairclip was a metaphorical collar.
she was already overbearing, overcontrolling, and not to mention, everyone knew that the clip was a gift from her to me. what better way to say, "this is MY friend. back off!" than a gift that's bright green and vividly in view of everyone else?
(and you might think me crazy for assuming these things, but truly, you don't know the kid. cray-cray doesn't even BEGIN to describe her. but maybe i'm cray-cray too, 'cause i'm puttin' up with it)
anyway, i wore that clip for a long time, feeling guilty and miserable and untrue to myself, until finally one day, i forgot that stupid clip.
i was running late for school and i forgot it on my nightstand, and didn't realize it until i got to school.
and in that moment, it was like having a moment of epiphany.
suddenly that day, everything felt RIGHT again.
i didn't feel as though i was "obligated" to make her happy. (i still do because i'd rather see a smile than a frown, although smiles are few and far between ANYWAY)
i didn't feel as though i "HAD" to follow her around or obey her or be a little doll friend.
I still did these things but i didn't feel as though it was expected and required of me anymore.
i was more confident after that - i still haven't regained all the parts of me (that she's shattered and thrown to the wind, if i want to make it sound pretty) yet, but i'm getting there.
it's kinda funny because the removal of a simple hairclip that truly just doesn't mean squat to anyone at all, can have such a big effect.
like a butterfly, ermeging from a cocoon.
okay, it's not that beautiful.
but you get the point.
if before i felt as though i was obligated to let her walk all over me "because we're friends!" , now i just let her because i'd rather not rock the boat.
it's not that much of a difference in physicality, i still do whatever she says (most of the times. sometimes we argue too, but i'd really just rather not deal with it)
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…well, i dont know what you're expecting.
i'm not some heroine and it wasn't going to be that great of a story.
(i already admitted in the title that i was just complaining, after all ~ )
but see, here's the thing about friendship.
it's a FRIENDSHIP.
there's mutuality in that.
if i am willing to plop myself down on the ground while you sit on the couch instead of kicking you off, damn right i will expect the same of you!
and i don't mind if someone's personality is just naturally overly controlling. i'd put up with it. as long as there's open communication, as long as said person is willing to stop doing something if it bothers me. (yanno, as opposed to turning up one's nose, huffing, and calling me overly sensitive - yeah, cause i'm TOTES overly sensitive since i dont let you have your way, ALL the time.
but honestly, that being said,
even if i'm the one in the wrong for letting her walk all over me,
i talk from a position in which i am unnaturally scared of her.
as in, i recognize her footsteps even if i dont see her and it makes the hair rise on the back of my neck.
THAT, my loves, is not a friendship.
i dont know what you'd call it, but it's not a friendship.
it feels more like she's getting off on some power trip.
i can tell that i don't mean diddly squat to her.
how can we call ourselves "besties" if i dont mean anything to her? (yanno, other than a person that puts up with her and does her work for her)
and the sad thing is, my other "bestie" (who'll be my "university bestie") isn't all that much better. she's a helluva lot nicer but our personalities grind against each other.
i guess it's because she just really likes whining and complaining (especially about her boyfriend, but basically everything is fair game. she is also really, really negative sometimes) while i (i complain and whine too, but only about Mango!) just really need a bestie that would go with me to conventions, who'll cosplay with me, who'll RP with me, who has ambitions as well as passions.
maybe it's unfair of me to want so much of someone.
but it'd be really nice, yanno?
and if said bestie (or future boyfriend??? kyaaaa!) would coddle me, that's all the better.
la de da ~
sorry that complaining is the first thing i do right after being absent for so long la ~
i'll try to be more positive next time ~
~ =3=
~Rere~
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